How to Fix a Broken Marriage
When I met Sarah, she was devastated, her husband Mark of 20 years, had told her he wanted a divorce.
She knew he was unhappy but thought that this was just due to boredom and loss of purpose due to being on furlough.
Sarah had struggled when her parents had divorced when she was 13, and now she worried about her sons aged 11 and 13, going through the same thing.
Sarah and Mark had been to marriage counselling after they drifted apart when their second son was born, this hadn’t been helpful for them at the time and led to more arguments. So Mark didn’t want to come for coaching.
Now I know you can fix a relationship when only one person changes. So after several conversations to find out what Sarah wanted, we decided to work together.
Understand your feelings
At first, Sarah’s mind was all over the place, from grief, overwhelm and anxious about how she would cope if they were to divorce. Sarah also noticed that she had felt alone for years despite having many friends and a busy family life.
I helped Sarah to understand what her feelings were telling her. This had nothing to do with the past, or to the future. Sarah’s feelings also didn’t tell her anything about Mark.
Her feelings only ever told her what her thoughts were doing in any given moment. For instance, sometimes, she felt compassion for Mark, and sometimes she was furious. Yet the circumstances stayed the same.
Know your state of mind
Most counsellors and therapist suggest that problems and disagreement need to be ‘brought to light’, discussed and ‘worked through’. Sarah believed that this was true, and they should ‘wade’ through their relationship problems.
But when she started understanding that her state of mind and her internal perception of any given situation, results in how she felt, she realised that it was better to step away when she was in a low mood.
Nothing gets solved when you’re feeling frustrated, hurt or angry. You can’t think straight, even though to you in the moment, it seems like you know exactly how everyone else should behave and what they are doing wrong.
Instead, by waiting until she felt connected towards Mark, she could get clarity, see the bigger picture, and start listening to what was going on for him. She realised that Mark saw the world differently from her. She started feeling closer to him.
Look for connection
I suggested that Sarah start actively looking for this feeling of closeness. At first, she struggled, but within a few weeks, things began to change. One day she caught herself smiling at Mark as he made her a cup of tea. Suddenly she felt happier in the relationship than she had in years.
She realised how much she had pulled away from Mark and how she had contributed to their problems. Until then, she believed he was the only one with ‘issues’.
Let go of being defensive
Sarah decided that she wanted to stop being defensive, as this only ever made things worse. One sentence I suggested she try was “Yes, I can be like that sometimes”.
The next week she reported these few words had worked and stopped Mark in his tracks. After hearing Sarah say them, he had gone quiet and then they had enjoyed a lovely connected afternoon.
Sarah told me it was like falling in love again, but this time building a healthier, happier relationship.
Each week as we worked together, I could physically see the changes in Sarah. She told me that she felt lighter, more confident and more ‘herself’, and that it wasn’t only their marriage that had transformed; the whole family was happier.
It only takes one person to change, so if you want to fix your relationship, then let’s talk.
